hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
