I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize