I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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