I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize