dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
