woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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