Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
