Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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