please come you make the beer taste better
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
