I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
