Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
