Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
