I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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