I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
