I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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