my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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