I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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