Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
