im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
