no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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