My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
