A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
