Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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