I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize