it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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