I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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