Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
