I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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