1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The best revenge is premature balding
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
