It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
