Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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