So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
