I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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