In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were trust falling into bushes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
