My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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