i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
