Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
