White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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