Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
