My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
