You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
