There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
