I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize