I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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