I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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