david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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