I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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