Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
