watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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