I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
