so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
