I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
