First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
