you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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