he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
