We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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