You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
