I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
