Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
