dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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