Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize