Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
