I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
