im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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