He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
