Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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