I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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